Today’s episode features a woman named Morgan who has a bit of a problem with her ex.
(More on that in a second.)
Before I go into the details of her situation I do want to say that often times I have no idea on whose question I am going to answer for the podcast. Sometimes I randomly pick at the screen of voice mails I get on a day to day basis,
Other times I listen to each one very carefully one by one and pick out the situation that I think people would want to hear about the most.
But Morgan’s voice mail was different.
There was a lot of emotion in it and you could tell, just by listening that she wanted her ex boyfriend back.
I knew I would have to answer it ASAP.
So, here I am answering it in what ended up being one of the longer episodes for “The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast.”
What Is Morgan’s Situation
- Morgan has been dating her ex for a total of two years
- He is originally from Missouri and she is from Kansas (where they both live/ed)
- He took a trip to visit his family in Missouri and that’s when the trouble started.
- He wanted a breakup saying they wanted different things out of life
- She wonders how she can get him back after he suddenly became so distant
What I Talk About In This Episode
- A little about my past…
- How to handle dating if you live in different states…
- What I think is going through Morgan’s exes head…
- How I think Morgan should handle her situation with her ex…
Transcript
Emcee:
Welcome to the ex-boyfriend recovery podcast where we help you get your ex back and have the fairy tale ending you deserve! And now, your host, he’s been dubbed as the ex-whisperer, Chris Seiter!
Chris Seiter:
Hey! What’s up and welcome to another episode of the ex boyfriend recovery podcast. We got a really exciting episode planned for you today. We’re going to be talking about what to do if you find your ex boyfriend has become distant all of sudden. We’re going to be hearing from a woman name Morgan, who finds herself in a really interesting situation. Well, I suppose interesting isn’t the right word but time is of the essence today. We want to get this episode out as soon as possible for Morgan, so she can get the advice that she needs to get her ex boyfriend back. So, rather than ramble and tell you what’s going on with the website like I usually do. I’m just going to get right to it to you today and let’s hear from Morgan.
Morgan:
Hello,
My name is Morgan. I’m 20 years old and I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost two years. He is originally from Missouri and we live in my home state of Kansas. A couple of weeks ago, he decided to visit his family in Missouri. I thought that was a great idea but when he got to Missouri, he started acting weird and distant. Now, he is telling me that he is not sure that he is in love with me anymore and he is returning to Kansas solely to get his stuff.
I asked him originally if when he got home, if I can have a month or so to work it out and not to give up on us. First he agreed but then changed his mind in things that we cannot be fixed because there was nothing wrong with our relationship. We just want different things in life. I don’t think that that’s true and I think that that’s a cop out. I don’t know what to do and I have until 6 o’clock tonight to find a way to influence him to not just leave and then at least hear me out.
I do not want to lose him. He is my best friend and I can’t imagine my life without him. If you could please give me any kind of advice before 6 o’ clock, that would be amazing but if that’s not. If that’s too much notice, I understand but any help you could offer me would be so much appreciated. Thank you for time.
Chris Seiter:
Hey, I wanted to take a moment and thank you Morgan for having the courage to tell your story. I understand, this is a really, really difficult time for you. And we’re going to do everything we possibly can here in the ex recovery family to help you. So, I guess, this is going to be kind of a unique episode because I’m going to be bringing a lot of my own personal experience to it because I feel like I can relate to your ex boyfriend on some levels but first things first, let’s talk about the 6 o’clock deadline.
To be honest with you, I don’t think that that is the best way to approach this situation. Especially when it comes to ex recovery. Ex recovery is not a short process. My other website—so, for those of you who don’t know. I know this podcast is geared towards women and women specifically on ex boyfriend recovery but ex boyfriend recovery isn’t the only website I own. I own two websites, ex boyfriend recovery and ex girlfriend recovery. I tried to help both men and women who want to get their exes back. So, on my other website, I actually ended up writing this really interesting article where I took kind of a mock situation where I was thinking, “Well, I’m constantly getting this questions about people who want to get their exes back as soon as possible.” And they rush through the entire process and more often than not, they fall flat on their faces. So, I took this mock situation to try to figure out what someone could do to get their ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend back, particularly their ex girlfriend since this was for the ex girlfriend recovery website.
But, so basically what this men could do to get their exes back as soon as possible and kind of the game plan I came up with, shortened the strategy that I teach on both website significantly but still the shortest strategy was 30 days. I mean this is not a quick process. So, I understand that this is may be hard for you to hear because I think everyone who can listen to this and everyone who can you know, hear your voice knows that you’re in a really emotional spot right now and I can just tell you really want him back. You really care for him and like I said, we’re going to do everything we can to help you but the first thing that I want to try to encourage you to do is not rush this process. I know it’s hard but trying to get him back in 2 hours and convince him to stop his entire plan of moving back from Kansas to Missouri is going to be extremely difficult if not impossible.
No, I’m not going to say it is impossible because, I don’t know. I’ve seen crazy things happen but nothing that crazy that fast. I guess what I’m saying is odds are highly against you. So, for your own peace of mind, just accept right now that he’s going to move back but that doesn’t mean that you’re helpless and that you can’t do anything about it. It just means you’re going to have to take the long game. Now, if you don’t want to take the long game, I completely understand but that’s what I’m going to encourage you to do. I mean, I think on average this process can take between 45-60 days to get your ex back and for those who are listening who are just generally trying to get an ex back or just trying to get, I guess a boyfriend back in any situation you could think of. It’s not a quick process. It takes time and commitment on your part and even then you’re not guaranteed to get an ex back because no one can guarantee you that.
Even as great as my advice may be and as many success stories as I have had over the last several years that I’ve been running these websites, even I can’t guarantee. Because I don’t know a 100% what’s going on in every single man’s mind. I’m just sort of the medium or the bridge between your mind and his mind and to what he may be thinking.
Now, with that being said, if you’re willing to take a long approach, if you’re willing to accept, “Okay, I’m probably not going to get him back by 6 pm today but it doesn’t mean I’m out of the game. It just means I’m going to take a much different approach.” If you’re willing to accept that, I think I may have a game plan for you where you can be successful.
So, the very first thing that we’re going to talk about is my own personal experience. Like I said earlier, I think I can relate to your ex boyfriend in a way. Now, if you didn’t know this about me, I’m originally from Texas. I grew up there my entire life and I moved when I was 25 I believe, yeah 25. And to be honest with you, I never thought I would move from Texas. I thought I would move maybe from my parent’s house to an apartment, to a house and you know but all within Texas. I love Texas. I have nothing against Texas. It’s probably one of my favorite places on this earth to be. It’s my home town. I grew up there. I love it but then I met my wife and she lived in Pennsylvania.
Now, that post a serious issue because one, she would never take me seriously as a suitor because I live in Texas and Pennsylvania is pretty much like 1700 miles away. Now, that’s pretty darn far. So, the only way that we could make our relationship work is if I move to Pennsylvania and that’s what I ended up doing. Now, I was maybe a little bit young and naïve when I moved because I had just started to come into some success with the websites. I was thinking, “Well, you know, it’s not that big of a deal. I had to move some time. It’s just kind of a longer move than I was anticipating. It’ll be easy.” It was anything but. It was actually extremely difficult to move and a lot of times, I wasn’t as happy as I wouldn’t have been, if I hadn’t have moved. Nothing against my wife. She was incredible. She was the reason I moved and she made it bearable but it’s really difficult.
I know that they have compared moving to a new state or something to like losing a job. That’s how long it takes to adjust and you know what they say. I think I read somewhere that I don’t know, it takes like a year and a half to—maybe even like 3 years I read one time, to like settle down when you are in a new place. From my personal experience, that’s true. It was difficult adjustment. I remember when we first moved into our apartment in Pennsylvania, we had no furniture and you know I worked from home and my wife at the time worked for an enterprise, a rental car company. She was like a manager there and so she would go to work, probably like at 6 am every single day and then get back at 6 pm or 7 pm.
So, I pretty much would be there alone the entire time and all we had was a desk with my computer on it to work and a TV and I remember literally just staring at the clock hoping it would be 5 pm or 6 pm and she would come home because it was sort of like being in jail for a little bit because I just didn’t know what to do with myself. I was scared to go out and look around. I was scared to kind of explore a little bit. I felt very not in my comfort zone but slowly but surely I got there. It took some time but I got there.
Now, I’m able to go out and explore around without any issue. And we obviously have more furniture and it feels more like a real apartment. And you know, my wife and I we weren’t married at that time but then we got married and we had a baby and our life turned out really, really incredible but it wasn’t easy that move. So, what I’m thinking could have happened with your ex boyfriend is that he moved from Missouri, is what you said I believe, to Kansas and the transition was tough for him and maybe you were the one positive part of that move because it takes a while for a human being to kind of sit down under a roof and feel comfortable right? So, maybe he latched onto you and you made him feel comfortable and then he went back to visit his parents and he felt their love and what it was like to be back home and you know he was thinking, “Man, this feels so great.” I don’t think it’s anything against you either Morgan.
I think just maybe, at his age, because he’s a lot younger than I was, I think maybe 5 or 6 years younger total of when I’ve ended up moving. So, my mindset at that time was a little bit more mature even though like I said, I was little naïve and thought the move would be easy. It was difficult. My wife is the only reason I probably got through it but your boyfriend on the other hand, maybe he just got scared a little bit. He didn’t feel comfortable so much and like I said, it’s nothing against you. You may have been the perfect girlfriend but still like I said moving that long of a distance or moving and going through this drastic life changes can be really difficult on any human being not just your boyfriend or not just men in general. So, if you’re looking for reasons for why he may have broke up with you and why he maybe thinks you guys want different things out of life, it could be that he just doesn’t feel comfortable. And Kansas—sorry Missouri and Kansas, I keep getting them mixed up. So, yeah I think maybe that could have potentially be what’s going on here and why he’s wanting to move back home. He wants to cut ties with you because he feels maybe uncomfortable personally there. Part of the reason that I ended up not following the same suit as your boyfriend is that I really had a very deep commitment to my wife. In fact, I think we were engaged maybe within a month of moving in and I was just committed head over heels for this woman. Not to say that he’s not head over heels for you but I was ready for that in my life. He may not be ready for marriage. He may be a little immature about things like that or he needs some more growing up to do.
Who knows? It could be millions of different reasons but what I personally think from drawing upon my own personal experience is he felt maybe a little uncomfortable in this new area and didn’t really quite have the guts to stick it out and set his roots his down and kind of normalize and it certainly takes some time to get there but you will get there eventually if you stick it out. I think that’s just the way it works. Now, as far as what you can do going forward. You know, the answer is—the reason I think he may have potentially pulled something like this is because of the uncomfortableness of moving this big life change blah blah blah… We already got all that.
So, what can you do moving forward? What strategies can you employ? Well, to be honest with you, I’ll just approach this like a long distance relationship breakup. Why? Well, because he’s moving back to Missouri. Again, I keep getting Missouri and Kansas mixed up for some reason but anyways, yeah. He is moving back to Missouri and you’re in Kansas, so you are basically, if you are going to try and get him back, it’s going to be like kind of a long distance relationship and as far as what to do with the long distance relationship. Stick to the game plan I teach on the website but you need to make some alterations to it.
No contact rule is going to be essential for you but that’s pretty much essential for everyone but after that really everything follows the same strategy. It’s really when you get to the in person meet ups. The in person meet ups are a much bigger deal when it comes to long distance relationships. So, I guess to give you quick crash course on my strategy for getting an ex back. The first step you want to take is the no contact rule. Ignore him for 21-45 days depending on your situation or what you feel comfortable with.
Then the next step is building attraction through text messages and then next step is to build attraction through phone calls or Skype or Facetime or video chats and then the third step is the in person dates. And I like to teach these three date method where you go on a smaller date then a medium date then on a romantic date but that’s where the long distance relationship strategy kind of alters a bit because getting a date with an ex who’s states away isn’t easy. You know, getting a date with an ex whose 10 minutes away is simple. You can just text them up and say, “Hey, you want a cup of coffee?”, “Sure, let’s go get a cup of coffee.” Well, you can’t really do that if you’re ex is a state away.
You will have to build more attraction in the texting phase and the calling phase. Like you need to have a critical mass of attraction that you build. You need to focus a lot of your time and effort into building attractions through those methods and then after you feel like you have built this critical mass of attraction, that’s when you push to meet up in either a neutral state or neutral place or you visit him or he visits you. Now, this poses a problem for a lot of people because I think a lot of the people, a lot of the women specifically who come to ex boyfriend recovery don’t exactly have a lot of money. And in order to visit someone in a state, it is essential that you have three things. You have time. You have money, which I just talked about and then finally you have permission. So, let’s talk about those three things for the first time.
Well, if you don’t have a lot of money, you probably work at a job that doesn’t pay a lot and probably works you like a dog. So, getting time is essential. If you have a job, you have to be willing to maybe take a vacation day or if you don’t have a job that’s great but that brings up to the next point, you need money. Plane tickets can be expensive. My wife and I just took a trip out to Florida to look for a house to buy and the trip to Florida was not inexpensive. I believe since it was a last minute trip, it cost around $600-$700. Now, that is a lot of money. You know what I’m saying? So, if you—I guess what I’m trying to say is building this critical mass of attraction is essential but you know, if your ex is states away, then you’re going to have to catch a last minute flight when you’re trying to ask for this date and last minute flights are typically notorious for being expensive.
Now, if you knew a month ahead of time that you were going to meet you ex up at this certain date then the flights become a little bit more inexpensive which is kind of the strategy I would recommend for you to approach. Build up a critical mass of attraction in the texting phase and phone call phase and then when you have the critical mass built, I want you both to set a date and stick to the date where you go out and get plane tickets maybe a month away until where the plane tickets are affordable and you’re not paying—dropping $700 to a $1000 on a plane ticket for a weekend where you see your ex, where you’re not even guaranteed to get them back.
Now, let me tell you a little bit more about my personal experience with this method because I have actually done this method with my wife. Now, we did it. We obviously were trying to meet up because we were in a relationship maybe 6 months before I moved in with her. So, for half a year we were in a relationship, we were a lot of states away. 1600 miles away. So, you’re 1600 miles away from your wife or future wife, how do you see her? Well, I try to see her at least once every single month but that required planning on both our parts. We needed to make sure that she could get time off and that you know, I guess I had the money to do it. So, it wasn’t as much of an issue for me but she also had to come visit me and visit my parents. So, she had to have the money to do that and the time to do that but before we even met before, we met online through Facebook through friends. So, we met online through Facebook through friends and we set up a day about two months in advance where we would meet and it was in Florida at her parent’s house and two months is pretty risky for someone you’ve never met but it’s sort of—it was that critical mass of attraction I was talking about. Enough attraction had been built to where we were willing to want to see each other and we set a date to see each other and stuck with the date and I kind of felt like we were dating before we met because we were both kind of committed to not hurting the other person’s feelings like I wouldn’t talk to any other girls at all while I was talking to her because I didn’t want to scare her off and she didn’t want to talk to any other men when she was talking to me because she, one, didn’t want to scare me off and two, I was the one who had to buy the plane tickets to come see her and she would feel bad if she, I guess flirted or met someone else. So, I felt like we were kind of in this relationship without being in a relationship yet when we were talking and I feel like that is maybe the best strategy for you Morgan.
Maybe you can try to set up kind of a critical mass of attraction through text messages and phone calls where you kind of have this unspoken agreement where you’re not going to talk to other people when you set up this date maybe a month in advance or something. So, if you’re asking me, my strategy for getting your ex back is to do that. You know, set up a date where you visit each other and you know—with a normal break up I often say well, the best way to do is there’s got to be three dates, the small date, the medium date and the romantic date. The thinking behind this is you’re basically upping the ante on every single date. You’re making it more and more romantic as you go along. That doesn’t necessarily apply when you’re talking about long distance relationships because and often times, especially if you’re states away, you almost get only one chance, one shot at goal. You have to make your time with your ex as romantic as possible and you have to do a lot of things like leave him wanting more which is kind of a cool thing about long distance relationships. I guess one of the biggest positives is a lot of the time that you get together in person is super romantic. It’s super intense. It’s I don’t know. I’m looking for all sort of lovey dovey adjectives I can think of but—critical mass of attraction maybe the best one. I hate to use that one again but it builds a huge critical mass of attraction on both parties and then all of a sudden one of the people has to go home or both of the people have to go home. So it constantly leaves both people wanting more.
So, that leads me to my next point. Ultimately getting him back is going to be contingent on getting either together in the same state or working out some sort of commitment where you have a deeper commitment like marriage or something but no matter how you slice or dice it, you’re going to have to get back on the same state so, maybe that means you have to be willing to move to him. If he’s comfortable and you think you can undergo the physical and emotional stress of moving such a long distance and not knowing anyone and being alone in a certain extent, you’re going to have to try to take some of ‘those risks perhaps or you know it’s sort of a talk that you and your ex have to have when you get to that point but don’t ever talk about that until maybe you see him in person or you got him in the best possible mood you can possible get in and you’re far down the road in the ex recovery process.
This is probably the way I would approach it if I was in your shoes Morgan. I wouldn’t try to get him back by 6 pm. I think that’s a complete mistake because ultimatums never work and you are self imposing an ultimatum on you. Like I have to get him back by this or by this date and time or it’s all over forever. That’s not the case. It’s not over. You still have a shot. I’m not going to say it’s a great shot because I think him moving back to Kansas for you is not as likely and I don’t know how you feel about moving to Missouri and I feel like that’s a decision that you should come to on your own without any kind of prods or pushes from me. I’m just trying to tell you what I think and what I think is, I think in the future if you are to get him back, I think you would have to be the one to move to him. So, maybe he can be in his comfort zone but at the same time there’s drawbacks to that because you leave your friends and family. You leave your support system and you’re in this new strange place where you don’t really know anyone. Maybe you do know his family but it’s still not the same as having your family there or having your own support systems or network of friends which is something that I learned myself.
I had my wife’s family which now they are my real family because I married her but at that time it’s such a drastic difference because I didn’t have any friends besides my wife. I didn’t really know anyone again besides my wife and her family and I didn’t really have a support system to kind of fall back onto. I didn’t have people that I could like kind of rely on and trust. I just felt like I was—just had my wife and that was it and it takes a while to build that stuff back up. It took me a good maybe two years before I felt like, “Okay, I feel like I’m kind of getting more at home here.” So, if you’re willing to take that kind of risk then I think you should maybe go full steam ahead with what I just tried to explain to you. That long distance way of getting your ex back Morgan but if you’re asking my personal opinion, I think if you can’t handle the fact that you’ll probably end up having to be the one to move to him in the end, I think maybe it might be time to just let him go and not think about it anymore. Just try to move on from it. I’m trying to be as helpful as possible here. I’m trying to give you a look at every single aspect of this situation and part of that is just me giving you my personal opinion on your chances.
Do you have a chance? You absolutely have a chance. This isn’t over you know. Is it a good chance? I would say long distance relationships have the worst chance at success rates than some of the more general breakups just because of the distance can provide so many extra roadblocks to overcome. Can they be overcome? Well, you’re talking to someone who overcame a long distance relationship. Not that my wife and I ever broke up but the long distance relationship itself is so difficult to manage that it feels like you’re going insane sometimes. So, Morgan just try to look at this logically. Try not to rush yourself into anything ok? Just know that it’s not over if he moves ok? It’s really not. You still have a chance. I don’t want to give you false hope because like I said, your chances, it can be as great as some other people’s chances perhaps but I will say, if you were you willing to put everything you have into this, you can get him back for sure. So, don’t self impose. Don’t put that self impose 6 pm time limit on yourself. You’re better than that.
I hope I was helpful. I really tried to provide as much personal experience in everything as I could to your situation but if you’re asking my professional opinion as a relationship consultant. I feel like it’s a mistake to look at it like you have to get him back by 6 pm. I would say try to get him back, take the long game—if you’re trying to get him back, sorry. And that is it.
I think that’s everything that I wanted to talk to you about today. I wanted to thank you for taking the time to listen to me ramble on Morgan and all of you who are listening and listening to ramble on with Morgan, thank you so, so very much. I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me, for my family. I really appreciate what you’ve done for my websites because without you these websites wouldn’t exist. One of the things I liked about Morgan’s message was the fact that she kind of got choked up there at the end. Not that I’m like kind of a dick about it like I like seeing people cry, I don’t but it makes me realize how serious people are about getting their exes back because sometimes I get a little removed from that. I’m thinking about the analytical side of things. I’m thinking about, “Ok, if you do this, this and this it’s going to equal this.” But sometimes it’s good to get the human element. Sometimes I kind of forget a little bit. I’ve got things in place to help me be more productive for you and help you out. Everything that I’m trying to do is to help you obviously but sometimes I feel a little over robotic in the way that I think now.
So, getting the human element, hearing people talk about their exes and how much they want them back and how hurt they are by the break up. It’s good for me to help me understand you better and as a result, hopefully I can just continue to give good advice to everyone who wants it. That’s going to do it for this episode of the ex boyfriend recovery podcast.
Again, thanks for letting me ramble on and thanks for listening to me. I’ll see you again next week. Bye
Emcee:
Thanks for listening to the ex boyfriend recovery podcast at www.exboyfriendrecovery.com
