Breaking up is hard, and a lot of times it will throw you into a temporary tailspin.
For some, it takes only a short time to recover a sense of normalcy. For others, the surrealism can linger for much longer.
In either case, that initial emotional reaction to a breakup tends to drive people into making regrettable decisions. And that behavior can hurt your chances of getting your ex back.
So, yes. There are definitely things you shouldn’t do after a breakup.
First and foremost, there is one rule that should govern your behavior now that you have been through a breakup. The sooner you are able to master this rule, the better your chances of getting your ex back are.
Today, we are going to cover this one rule along with a number of other things that you should avoid doing after a breakup if you want to increase your chances of getting back together.
- The Rule: Master Your Emotions
- What Not to Do: Overwhelming Emotions
- What Not to Do: Circle of Influence
- What Not to Do: Another Woman
- What Not to Do: Social Media
- What You SHOULD Do
The Rule: Master Your Emotions
Becoming the master of your emotions, it sounds so easy, doesn’t it?
“Gee, thanks,” you’re thinking. “Is there a pill for that?”
I’m willing to bet there are some things happening, at least once in awhile, that make it hard for you to maintain that emotional control.
- Your stomach hurts constantly.
- You don’t have an appetite.
- You feel nauseous.
- You cry with or without cause at inopportune times.
- It feels like there is a hole in your chest and you can’t catch your breath.
Perhaps you simply cannot concentrate very well these days. Once in a while, you might have mood swings that are based in anger and desperation.
You know what that means, don’t you?
Congratulations!
You’re human!
Don’t worry – all that is normal.
I try and consider it part of the blessing of having a heart in the first place.
I’m sure you have heard it before, but I’ll say it again. You aren’t the first person to feel this way, and you certainly will not be the last.
But, you must maintain emotional control if you want to win this breakup.
What does that even mean?
Maintaining emotional control means that you have to learn how not to act rashly when you are feeling emotional.
Your actions should all be separate from your emotion.
When in doubt, say nothing.
You should make a plan and stick to it.
I suggest using Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro to form a game plan since it has such great success stories and is so easy to understand. Not to mention that Pro does all of the thinking for you. That way you can just focus on implementing it and remaining calm and rational, like Val Kilmer, AKA “Iceman,” in Top Gun. He was cool as a cucumber under pressure. He may have been sweating during those aerial dogfights, but we never saw it. He chose his targets and followed protocol.
And looked fine doing it, if I might say so.
Now, why is it so important to be like the Iceman?
Well, it’s so that you don’t do or say anything you will regret in the heat of the moment.
We’ve all been there, reacting to a situation that gets us riled up.
Maybe we misinterpreted what someone said.
Maybe we jumped to a conclusion or blamed the wrong person.
Maybe, if we had taken a moment or slept on it, we wouldn’t have been so emotional about it. We could have turned the situation to our advantage instead of overreacting.
Since we’ve all been there I want to ask you a question. How did it feel?
If you are anything like me, it felt like a big bowl of regret.
I guess hat I am saying is that you have a choice. Be Ice Man or be Maverick. Be the person who keeps their cool or the one who gets stuck with regret.
You want to win, don’t you?
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Yes, please
So, How Do I Maintain Emotional Control?
I will admit, sometimes it’s easier said than done.
You do have to practice. It takes willpower.
But, luckily, the more times you do it, the better you will get at it.
Here are a few tips:
Identify when you are feeling emotional. This should be easy. It’s basically whenever you feel the urge to send a group text to your girlfriends moaning or venting about something that is going on and getting them to weigh in. Learn to recognize these situations as they arise rather than simply reacting.
When this happens, STOP.
Recognize your state of mind.
You may have other triggers or telltale signs that occur when these situations happen. Pay attention to them.
Go ahead and text your girlfriends.
Just avoid any bad advice from them and don’t do any of the things I warn you off of in this article!
Now that you can tell when you are getting emotional, implement Distraction Techniques. The most powerful of these are breathing exercises and they are the first line of defense that should be implemented when you are feeling emotional.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Here are a few other techniques that are useful:
- Put a rubber band around your wrist and snap it when you feel your trigger
- Do positive affirmations
- Meditate
- Look at photos of Ryan Gosling
- Take time away from the trigger
Once you have calmed yourself down and are not acting from a place of emotion, remind yourself of your plan. Any action you take after that should support your plan. This is how you achieve your goals.
If your actions or words do not move you along a path to your goal, you are doing yourself a disservice.
Here’s a picture of Ryan Gosling to get you started…
Now, let’s get down to business.
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Yes, pleaseWhat Not to Do: Overwhelming Emotions
Don’t Beg
This is not attractive. In fact, it reinforces any unattractive qualities you have You don’t want to inspire pity. It’s not an effective strategy at all.
Don’t Gnat
Don’t send multiple texts, emails, or other types of messages. (not even carrier pigeons)
Just let it be. This comes off as needy, clingy, weak, angry, or psycho, and shows you really aren’t accepting the breakup. Therefore, it puts him in a position of power and undermines your power to get him back.
Don’t Show Up Where He Is
This means no “accidental bump-ins.”
Don’t buy coffee at his coffee shop constantly.
It’s better if he doesn’t see you until you’ve finished no contact and become. And even then, you want to plan your meetups one at a time.
During No Contact it’s better if he’s the one looking over his shoulder all the time, wondering if you are going to pop up.
But the second that you pop up in his neighborhood, his work, his friend’s concert, or his favorite bar, guess what they are all going to say to one another? That’s right.
“Crazy.”“Stalker.”“She needs to let go and move on.”
Is any of this fair? Probably not. But I’m giving it to you straight. Don’t be that girl.
Don’t Pour Out Your Feelings
Don’t give into the temptation to write him a long letter or email.
Just.
No.
Stop.
He needs to be wondering what the heck is going on in your head.
Actually, for you to have the best chance of getting him back, he needs to be wondering if you have already moved on from him. And hopefully how you moved on so fast? This bruises his ego, and men are very motivated when their egos come into play.
Don’t Have Outbursts of Emotion
For example, don’t do anything drastic like throwing all of his stuff in the street and set fire to it.
Now, you would have to be very, very angry to be contemplating something on this level. I’d venture to say you are not maintaining emotional control in this situation.
If you want him back, you have got to get ahold of yourself.
Yes, you can box up his things and get them out of your house. But, you should do so in an ice cold, totally controlled way.
The key to any breakup is to act or react in the absolute opposite manner to what your ex expects.
If he’s expecting you to go crazy, don’t.
It will throw him for a loop, and throw off his entire concept of how this breakup should be going. He’ll begin to wonder whether or not he made the right decision.
Once he begins to question it, you can use your Ungettable-ness to convince him indirectly.
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Yes, pleaseWhat Not to Do: Circle of Influence
Don’t go to his friends to talk about the breakup. It’s common sense. Keep your business between the two of you.
First of all, it makes you look stronger if you don’t appear to be devastated by the breakup. Hopefully, it will be short-lived.
Secondly, they are his friends. They aren’t going to give you any real help, and it’s going to get back to him that you aren’t over him and are desperate to get him back.
This is how I feel about that.
It’s not attractive.
It’s not going to work in your favor.
What Not To Do: Another Woman
Don’t confront a suspected or known rival ever. It makes you look petty and achieves nothing.
The best method to deal with a rival is to act as if she does not exist and is of little to no importance to you.
You should not give her power in this situation by confronting her, no matter who she is.
If you want him back, ignore her.
The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Program has specific advice on how to deal with rivals.
What Not to Do: Social Media
Don’t Stalk Him
This will only drive you bonkers and lead you to do something drastic when your emotions are heightened. It really doesn’t make a breakup any easier
Don’t Go Overboard With The Jealousy Posts
Another thing you need to watch out for with social media is being too fake, or obvious about trying to make your ex jealous.
If you start posting a lot of photos of you out with other guys, scantily clad and tangled up in various embraces, you could start a war you may regret very quickly. Or worse, you could get labeled as desperate and lose any chance of getting him back ever.
Don’t Post Pity Party Posts
Stay away from posting anything that screams,
“I just want people to feel sorry for me.”
That means to avoid any posts directed at “haters,” or about being single, or centered around moving on.
And don’t post a ton of inspirational posts either. No one is buying that you are that positive all of the time.
All of these are actually very transparent. It’s obvious to everyone what and who you are referring to, and it reflects poorly on you.
It doesn’t matter if he cheated on you, or started dating your former close friend, or left you in the lurch in any number of ways.
Join an online support group where you can post your thoughts, inspirational quotes, or gripes. Anywhere the general public can see you should play it cool.
You must be mindful of your brand and your image. Keep it consistent and always in mind before you post anything.
Basically, you should decide how you wish to represent yourself through social media.
- Do you want to seem bitter?
- Do you want to seem petty?
- Do you want to seem like a person who airs their dirty laundry and calls other people out?
- How about a person who is hung up on what other people do, and must point it out?
- Do you want the world to see you as someone who chooses to get drunk often and make bad decisions all of the time?
Do you think any of these are attractive? Would it be attractive to you if your ex was acting this way?
The only thing this will accomplish is getting people to talk about you… and I don’t mean in a good way.
Stay classy. No one wants you to be the subject of gossip or head shaking, now or later.
What You SHOULD Do After A Breakup
After a breakup, there are plenty of things you SHOULD. The first would definitely be to implement No Contact. It’s explained again and again on the Ex Boyfriend Recovery website and in Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro. During No Contact, you take time away from your ex with… no contact (duh) and use that time to work on yourself and become the Ungettable Girl.
So, for a certain period of time you ignore your Ex, let the negativity from the breakup die down, and do your own awesome things.
Some examples are:
- Working toward personal health goals, such as registering and training for an athletic event and teaming up with other people, friends or new acquaintances
- Making a calendar or schedule for de-cluttering and organizing different areas of your life. In a month you will feel lighter and freer!
- Getting your finances in order, set 1, 3, and 5-year financial goals, and find some ways to make extra income.
- Writing those thank you notes you’ve been meaning to write.
- That hobby you’ve neglected? Start scheduling daily or weekly time to devote to it.
- Catching up with your girlfriends. Having people over, and scheduling some time to go out with people.
- Reading books. Brushing up on the news.
- Keeping your brain sharp with games. This also helps you meet people.
- Paying attention to your appearance. Giving yourself a makeover, teeth, hair, polish your shoes, throw out your ancient makeup.
- Calling your relatives and tell them you love them.
- Traveling.
These are the types of things you should be doing even when you are in a relationship because these things are inherent to being an Ungettable Girl. You must retain that quality when you are IN the relationship. Have fun, and don’t let this breakup break you- it is making you!
The Take-Away
So, let’s review.
After a breakup, you need to accomplish several things:
- Learn to maintain emotional control
- Learn your triggers and adopt some distraction techniques
- Learn to navigate social media like a pro, projecting genuine confidence, strength, and positivity
- Knock out No Contact and become an Ungettable Girl
Now that you’re a pro, let’s have a conversation about your breakup in the comments below. I want to know a few things. First, tell me the details surrounding your breakup. Then, let me know what you’ve done since the breakup. And finally, I want to know what you think your next step should be after reading what I laid out in this article.
Our experts will work with you and help you figure out if you are on the right track.