Today we’re going to talk about if fearful avoidants ever come back after a breakup. Believe it or not the answer to that question is a little bit complicated.
We have found that on average a fearful avoidant will not initiate a reconnection with you. However, there is a window of time where they do consider it and if you time it right you can get them to come back if that’s what you want.
So, what I’d like to do is really talk through what a fearful avoidant is and how they handle breakups so you can learn everything about them.
Let’s get started.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizWhy Avoidants Rarely Come Back On Their Own After A Breakup
One thing you need to learn about people with avoidant attachment styles is that they typically don’t like things that make them feel overly vulnerable.
In my last article on this I talked a lot about how we are seeing breakups occur during “tipping points”
- You ask for them to be relationship official
- You ask them for clarification on when marriage is going to happen
- You ask them to move in together
- You buy a house together
- You have a child together
- You get engaged
- You get married
The tipping points all have to do with deeper commitments and certainly the fearful avoidant will get scared during them.
Yet here’s perhaps the greatest insight I can leave you with an avoidant.
They literally prefer to be broken up with you. They understand they need emotional support but the confines of a relationship scare them. A part of them enjoys existing in a constant state of rejection and distance from you.
Here’s perhaps the greatest insight I can leave you with what we’ve learned about fearful avoidants.
They would rather be broken up with you and use you for emotional support because it makes them feel safe but there’s also no threat of a relationship ever happening. It’s a one sided arrangement where they get what they lack, emotional support, but you get used.
Of course, I mentioned above that there is a period where they do consider coming back.
What’s that all about?
Understanding The Nostalgia Factor
Probably the best video I’ve ever recorded on this one where I talk exclusively about something I’ve been calling the nostalgia factor.
Here’s how it works.
It’s true that the fearful avoidant prefers to keep you at an arms length because it makes them feel comfortable. However, an interesting thing happens when they’ve kept you at arms length long enough.
If they literally do it for a long enough period of time and they believe that there’s no chance of reconnection ever happening it’s at that point that they allow themselves to feel nostalgia.
Have you ever heard of the peak-end rule?
It posits that we aren’t great at remembering the “whole” of an experience. Instead we make these quick calculations and remember the “peak” moments and the “end” moments.
Of course, if there aren’t any great “peak” moments that could be a major problem but what tends to happen is that once the avoidant has this nostalgia wave they’ll think back to those peak moments.
And if you reach out and try to reconnect then they’re a lot more agreeable.
But that’s why I’ve always found it a little ridiculous when people claim that you can get an ex back “no matter what.” Or they’ll go on and on about how “timing” doesn’t matter when our research has shown that it clearly does.
Understanding The Fearful Avoidants Idea Of A Perfect Relationship
You may have noticed that a fearful avoidant has a tendency to jump from rebound relationship to rebound relationship as a type of coping mechanism.
But if you understood what the fearful avoidants idea of a perfect relationship looks like it’ll begin to make more sense.
- They crave passion (honeymoon period)
- They crave transparency (their anxious side)
- Any tiny breach of trust is enough for them to throw the relationship away (again their anxious side coming out)
Let’s tackle the craving for passion. One of the reasons a fearful avoidant will tend to have a rocky relationship history is because they are constantly chasing honeymoon period experience after honeymoon period experience.
They crave that passion and chemical spike that you get during the honeymoon period. This is often why their relationship history doesn’t have a lot of long term commitments.
Yet at the same time the fearful avoidant will often demand transparency throughout the relationship. Here we see their anxious side coming out. I’ve ever seen situations where the smallest breach of trust like getting caught in a small lie has led to the demise of a relationship.
It’s important to remember that they break up with you to protect themselves.
Such a volatile relationship history will often do a number on their preconceived notions of what healthy relationships look like and this is rooted in their childhood.
I feel it’s important to give some background on how the average fearful attachment style is created.
How The Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style Is Created
If you’ve done any type of research on attachment styles you’ll have learned that all attachment styles are formed during childhood.
The fearful avoidant is a special case though.
Often their parents will have created an environment where mixed signals were common. At times they will have been overly affectionate. Other times they will have potentially failed to provide the child with even the most basic needs.
Such a volatile upbringing will teach the child that this is how all relationships should be. They’ll realize over time that they need to learn to fulfill their own needs.
It’s easy to sit back and blame the parents of the child but more often than not they’ll have the same working framework for how attachments should be developed and they’re just projecting what they know onto their children.
And around and around the cycle goes.
So, what actually works on a fearful avoidant assuming you want to get back with them?
The Secure Attachment Gravity Concept
Most of the work we do on Ex Boyfriend Recovery can be boiled down into one simple concept.
Help our clients achieve more secure attachments.
This has a pronounced effect on our overall success rate because we have noticed that secure attachments tend to pull other attachment styles more towards them.
So, if an anxious person is in a relationship with a secure person they can kind of learn what a secure attachment looks like. After all, I’ve long been a proponent for the fact that attachment styles are fluid instead of fixed.
So, what does a secure attachment style look like?
Someone who is secure is comfortable resolving conflicts, addressing relationship challenges openly and non-defensively, comfortable with both intimacy and independence, able to show sympathy to avoidant behaviors and give the avoidant partner the space they need without pressure, but also confident articulating their needs and able to draw clear boundaries against mistreatment.
What can happen is that when a fearful attachment style is paired with a secure attachment is that they begin to learn how relationships should actually be and you’ll find that fearful attachment can slowly move towards being more secure themselves.
After all, we learn attachment behaviors through others.
Of course, the opposite can also be true. Remember, our attachment styles are fluid and being secure and fearful are at opposite ends of the spectrum. Generally when these two partners pair up one of three things will happen.
- The fearful person will take on more secure traits.
- The secure person will take on more fearful traits.
- The secure person will leave recognizing the fearful person is too much work
So, let’s recap everything we’ve talked about so far.
Conclusion
Trying to understand fearful avoidants is always a difficult thing. Especially when you look at if they ever come back after a breakup. The truth is so complicated. Here’s what we know for sure.
- The avoidant will probably not be the initiator in asking for you back because doing so makes them feel vulnerable
- They revel in the early stages of a romance (a la the honeymoon period)
- Deeper forms of connection frighten them which causes them to…
- Jump from rebound relationship to rebound relationship as a coping mechanism
- Eventually they do have a bout of nostalgia where they think about getting back together but they will rarely act on it.
- If you want a reconnection to occur then you’re probably going to have to be the one to reach out.
- Don’t consider reaching out until you are certain your attachment style has veered towards more secure territory.
- Why? Simply put it’s because the only way you’re going to have a healthy relationship is if you employ secure attachment gravity
Boy that’s complicated, right?
Let me know if you have any questions. Simply leave a comment below and we’ll do our best to get back to you.
The post Do Fearful Avoidants Come Back After A Breakup? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.
